Excuses, Part Two: Okay, So I Actually Did Steroids
So you’ve been caught doing steroids, despite our best efforts to get you off the hook. Even Skip Bayless doesn’t believe you now.
Buck up, little camper: everybody loves a tearful confession and a promise to never, ever repeat the terrible mistake. This is true even if the “confession” includes excuses rather than the acceptance of responsibility, and even if one never specifies for what one is apologizing.
Hence, in the second and final installment of the USS Mariner guide to suggested explanations, Derek and I cover what to do post-bust.
The Top 15 Reasons I Actually Needed To Do Steroids
15. I’m just a humble intestinal parasite collector trying to build a specimen count.
14. Tired of other marginal players getting all the headlines
13. In training to be governor of California
12. Wanted to get an approving mention in a John Levesque column
11. Homesick for clean, small-town living of Spiro Oklahoma, where men are men, women are women, and baseball players test postive for drugs
10. FedEx lost package with masking agents
9. Wanted to show kids harmful effects of using and being caught using steroids
8. Have you seen me play?
7. Not much else to do in small town, U.S.A.
6. Needed to be strong before going into prison on steroid distribution charges
5. Sent longer-lasting Deca in to see what had happened to the Winstrol and report back
4. Trying to put food on the table for Latrell Sprewell’s family
3. Just wanted an excuse to be in bathroom stall with Jason Giambi
2. Always wanted my name on news ticker at bottom of television screen, so for once Mom would notice me even though all she watches are her stories and Fox News Channel. I love you mom!
1. I learned it from you, all right? I learned it from watching you!