Thiel quip
I know I’ve poked at Art Thiel before for his occasional reach for metaphors and similies, but this, on the Sonics:
An incredibly wealthy ownership, nevertheless quivering at continued operational losses, must have limited the talent search to the bench of the Los Angeles Clippers, where they found guard Rick Brunson and center Mikki Moore. Each has contributed about as much as the most recent first-round draft choices, Johan Petro and Robert Swift — a four-man whiff unseen locally since the bottom of the Mariners lineup.
I laughed, I winced, I shook my head and grinned.
Also, former M Dave Edler is now the mayor of Yakima. Yes, it’s a slow news day.
The Mariners’ Revenge Song
There are two tragedies to which I would like to alert you. First, as you’ve no doubt noticed, our compadre Peter has been forced by circumstance to adopt a posting schedule best described as “occasional.”
This is a loss for us all, since Peter’s got a terrific analytic mind and an artistic bent. I’d say that even if he didn’t owe me money.*
The second tragedy: To date, the Mariners have not developed a fight song. College football teams are inspired by them, and I can’t help but think the hometown nine would be as well. Put your hand down, Zumsteg, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” does not count.
Drawing on our mutual affection for music, Peter and I have rectified both tragedies. And by “Peter and I,” I mean, “Peter had an idea, and I waited until he stopped posting before stealing it.”
One of us pointed out that an excellent band, The Decemberists, has a song entitled “The Mariner’s Revenge Song.” Given how the M’s have been kicked around over the course of their history — and in the past few years — the other of us reasoned that the tune would lend itself well to parody.
[Before anyone asks: The Decemberists, like Peter, are not “emo.” I am “emo.”]
Let me strongly recommend checking out the song if you have yet to do so. This will enhance the experience considerably. If you enjoy the new lyrics, please remember: timely theft means that I deserve all the credit. Should you dislike it, please: convey all blame to Peter, who has a thicker skin than this shrinking violet. If you really hate it, Jeff Sullivan wrote it. Or Devin. Yeah, Devin.
What follows will be the best baseball fight song ever to involve mandolin, accordion and tuba. May it strike fear in the hearts of our enemies. I hope, in the words of Tom Lehrer, they are half as scared as I.
But then, I’m an emo kid with too many feelings. So it is with a single tear dripping from my left eye that I present to you:
The Mariners’ Revenge Song**
With sincere apologies to The Decemberists, Peter White and all people of good taste everywhere. Original lyrics.
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Jeff and Derek discuss the 2005 offseason
At length, written over the break
Derek:
Let me throw out the spring-training-optimistic view.
DH: Everett
C: Johjima
1b: Sexson
2B: Lopez
SS: Betancourt
3b: Beltre
LF: Ibanez
CF: Reed
RF: Ichiro!
(I figured that given a chance to compete for the starting second baseman job, Bloomquist loses)
Johjima’s a huge upgrade. Everett’s a huge step back at DH, and a defensive downgrade in forcing Ibanez into left. Lopez should hit better than M’s got out of 2B last year, and Betancourt should improve. Beltre should hit somewhere between 2004 and last year, which is good. Sexson’s likely to fall off a bit, though, because that was a really great season. Ibanez will hit better than what we got out of left field. Reed should improve, and Ichiro should bounce back at least somewhat to Ichiro!
That’s a hundred-run improvement pretty easily.
So, to the starters:
SP: Hernandez
SP: Washburn
SP: Moyer
SP: Meche
SP: Pineiro
A full season of King Felix, then we figure Washburn, in a park similarly-suited to him, puts up 2004 again, Moyer doesn’t get any worse, and both Meche and Pineiro show a little improvement — you can figure that’s “fixed” Pineiro or a dead-cat bounce for both of them.
That’s a hundred-run improvement there, tempered a little by the slightly degraded defense.
So we look back at 2005, add a hundred runs scored, subtract 100 runs allowed — that’s a 90-win team! We’re going to the playoffs! Wooooooo!
Jeff:
It feels a little like role-reversal for you to do the positive view and me to do the negative, but here it is. First you got the bull, now you get the horns — the pessimistic scenario.
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K’mon, Kirby
Half of this statement from Kirby Arnold is true:
The Mariners badly need a pitcher to step up and become a pleasant surprise, and there’s no reason [Gil] Meche can’t be that guy.
Well, unfortunately, there is at least one reason. One torn labrum, the gnarliest injury a pitcher faces. As Jonah Keri explained at the BP/USSM book event, virtually no one comes close to their previous form or potential after suffering this malady.
I understand where our Mr. Arnold is coming from, though. In a year where the starting five is — ahem — in flux, we find ourselves looking for heroes and reasons to expect their heroism to emerge. Kirby’s got two reasons for the Meche Renaissance to begin:
Meche has incentive this year that didn’t exist in past seasons.
He’ll be eligible for free agency after 2006, and the opportunity for a huge contract tends to motivate players to work through the aches and pains that might cause them to back off … Meche also says he is tired of losing, especially the streaks of ineffectiveness that have undermined periods of sheer dominance.
There’s your reason for optimism, folks. Gil Meche has not learned to enjoy losing.
I’ll be rooting for Gil as hard as anyone, and harder than most. It’s wonderful when someone triumphs over adversity to achieve greatness, and it’s even better when the result saves your starting rotation.
I’ll be rooting for that to happen. But I won’t be wagering on it.
[And hey, at least Kirby didn’t take the easy way out and write about Felix like everybody else.]