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The Cheater's Guide to Baseball
"Derek Zumsteg should be ashamed to have such comprehensive knowledge of the history of cheating in baseball. Pete Rose gave me two to one odds this book would become a classic." -- Allen Barra, author of The Last Coach: A Life of Paul "Bear" Bryant
True Tales from the Jeff Weaver Saga
Part One
May 11th
“Scott Boras Corporation, this is Sam, how can I help you?”
“Hey, I need to make a return.”
“Okay, let me transfer you to support.”
“Wait no-”
“Scott Boras Corporation Support Division, this is Amy, how can I help you?”
“I want to make a return.”
“In order to better assist our valued customers to achieve superior satisfaction with all of our products, we’d like to attempt to resolve the issue first, so that you don’t have to go through the trouble of a return.”
“Oh, it’s no trouble. Really.”
“I’m afraid that we can’t process a return until–”
“Fine, fine, let’s go through your stupid support tree.”
“Great, I’ll make every effort to ensure that this is a quick process for you. Now, can I get your name?”
“I bought this for my company, the Seattle Mariners.”
“Of course. Which Scott Boras Corporation product did you purchase?”
“Jeff Weaver.”
“Certainly. Let me just bring up the record. I’m not finding anything. Do you remember when you purchased him?”
“Yeah, lemme look at the receipt- January 26th.”
“Thanks. Ah, I’ve found it. So what seems to be the problem?”
“He sucks.”
“I’m sorry, could you be more specific?”
“This is ridiculous. He was advertised as throwing faster than we’ve seen from him, he isn’t able to establish or control any of his pitches, and the results of using him are well out of the specifications in the manual.”
“I apologize first for any inconvenience. Did you inspect him when he arrived to make sure he wasn’t damaged in delivery?”
“Yes. He looked fine.”
“Thank you, that’s helpful to us in determining the cause of your problems. Do you have the manual close by?”
“I kept all the original documentation together, yes.”
“On the back of the manual, in the lower right-hand corner, there should be a code. Can you read that to me?”
“BKO-DSS-10-01.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, and I apologize, it would appear that somehow you were given the documentation for the 2001 model, which is not the one you purchased.”
“Really.”
“That would explain the difference between your expectations and the product’s performance, but looking at the diagnostic information, I do see that product status updates do show an unacceptable field performance so far. I understand your frustration, and I apologize.”
“Please stop saying that.”
“I understand how our almost robotic politeness and disarming customer scripts can irritate someone who is already dissatisfied with our products, and I do apologize for that.”
“No, let’s move on. Can I return it then? It’s clearly not working.”
“Have you tried turning it off and then on again?”
“How in God’s name would I — no. No, I have not tried turning it off and then on again.”
“I apologize, I inadvertently read from the wrong script, as I’m on more than one support call right now for increased efficiency and customer service.”
“How do I return it?”
“Before you return it, is there anything you’ve been doing unusually with the unit, such as deploying it in environments not approved in the manual?”
“You said the manual was six years old.”
“I believe that the environmental specifications have not changed. Could you quickly review them and tell me–”
“Lemme see. Uh, I did not use it every fifth day, technically, and I guess the part about keeping him away from tin foil and Vermont Teddy Bears, I don’t remember reading that warning, but okay, that could have happened… but none of this seems serious.”
“Well, sir, we do put the warnings in the manual for a reason. It appears that your results may be due to having used the product in a manner countervening the instructions given to you. Did you purchase our extended support plan?”
“The what now?”
“I see from your invoice that you did not. Unfortunately, in order to issue a RMA number, we’ll have to evaluate the unit and make a determination whether your actions caused the damage before we can proceed with a refund or replace it with a refurbished unit –”
“A refurbished unit?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s it, I’m going over your head.”
“I’m sorry you feel that you’re receiving inadequate service, sir, and I apol- sir? Sir? It seems we’re experiencing problems with the line, and I apologize. Sir?”
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51 Responses to “True Tales from the Jeff Weaver Saga”
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“Environments not approved in the manual,” a.k.a. any Major League pitching mound.
This would all be much funnier if I was sure I’d never again see him standing on one, wearing a Mariner jersey.
Ha!
hmmm. does this explain the FO’s recent history with free agents? They’ve been using old specs when purchasing new product?
I wonder if Boras is taking calls even from Weaver.
Weaver: “But you said taking a one year deal now would pay off in a bigger contract later”
Boras: “Did you forget the part where I said you had to not suck?”
Spot on parody of a typical customer service support call experience. This is a parody, right?
“I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.” - Animal House
I say we grab Weaver, stuff him in the trunk of a car, drive to Anaheim, and switch him for his kid brother. Or I guess we could just leave him in the trunk of the car. I’m flexible.
I works in Technical Support and love this blog. This is just priceless. I think I cried I laughed so hard.
“. . .before we can proceed with a refund or replace it with a refurbished unit . . .”
Refurbished Unit?
We’re going to return Jeff Weaver and get the refurbished Unit?
Awesome!
[off topic, deleted, email us with questions]
Ever see those before-after pictures of meth addicts? Guess which side Jeff Weaver looks like…
great thing to wake up too…hillarious…but i agree with #1…it’s a little of a downer that he’s going to get another start…
ohhh thats great stuff!
I liked the part about switching him off and back on. Isn’t that what they’re trying right now?
Reality isn’t always funny.
It turns out that, like vacuum cleaners, some people suck even (or especially) when switched on.
Try reading that with a Thick Indian accent! Beautifully written.
#4 for 5% I would listen to him for a year.
Office only, no cell calls.
Mind if this is transfered to another website with credit given? This is too good to keep to ourselves.
This would make for a nice skit on a creative sports talk show…
Do not transfer this to another website.
There’s a whole sidebar thing on the left there about this. Don’t do it.
For that matter, it should be emailed to Boras. I’d bet he would ROFL…
I don’t see this saga ending well.
This is almost as funny as Will Carroll’s Boras-for-Commish article from a few days ago.
M’s winning % with Weaver on DL: 55%
M’s winning % with Weaver active: 48%
[dupe]
I am excited it says Part One, for comedy sake I hope the next one is good. If there is a part 3 that is disaster for the Mariners.
And hopefully Baltimore can finish our work in Anaheim and we take out the lowly Rangers this series and by Monday morning we are only a couple games back.
Will not transfer no worries.
Maybe I should have read copywright disclaimer first!
I’m trying to think of a real world comparison for Boras Corp - a company that uses total B.S. to sell vastly overpriced products.
The Cardinals simply blew it, Boras concludes. “The Cardinals not signing Jeff Weaver is how you don’t win divisions, and my prediction is the St. Louis Cardinals won’t win their division this year.” (At press time, the Cardinals were at the bottom of the National League Central.
Monster Cable springs to mind immediately.
bhs- only problem with baltimore winning six in a row now, and hopefully sweeping the angels, is that they would come to seattle with a ton of momentum…
But Bakomariner - I fear more the team that has lost 8 straight as they will regress to the mean. Similarly the O’s aren’t that great of a team. Let’s hope they don’t regress until after the Angels series
And I fear this is drifting OT.
Monster Cable is insane. They expect you to pay as much for cable as you do for the product you’re using the cable with.
I swear someone could make a killing making cable for a reasonable price but no one does.
I guess it’s the same frustration I get when I think that teams will stop relying on ‘proven talent’ and the mythical closer and left handed sock.
Bender, dude, monoprice.com is doing just that.
The post is great, but the “buy the author a beer” link, which I just noticed, is even funnier. I notice these are not Safeco beers, but have a cold one on me.
PS — you should have it buy the beer for whichever author wrote the post, though, you lush.
Yeah, there’s a whole post on the beer link.
If only getting a refund on Weaver were possible but unfortunately you can’t and besides Boras would never give up his commission lolololol.
Monoprice.com is moving away from relying on proven talent, the closer role and left handed sock???
In all seriousness if you just turned me on to a place I can get cable without paying out the nose for it I’m going to have a joygasm.
Awesome on both levels; mocking both the Weaver deal and “customer service” systems everywhere.
Well done.
40: Monoprice.com is what you’re after. Good cable, for what cables ought to cost.
[ot]
When it comes to stupid overpriced “premium” products, nothing beats the $485 wooden volume knob.
Well, nothing except the $8M “World Series Game Winning” pitcher.
I can just imagine Scott Spiezio and Jeff Weaver getting together in the offseason to talk about how Seattle sucks the talent right out of you.
[]
(deleted many OT comments)
Mind if this is transfered to another website with credit given? This is too good to keep to ourselves.
Just link to it. That’s what I did.
Guys I don’t know if this belongs in this thread, but [deleted, doesn't belong on this thread]
[ot]
I’m definitely late to this party but looking at the mess it turned in to I’m glad. However as an ex-Amazon customer service robot I really appreciate this post. It’s just as cathartic for me as the Blue Scholars song “Proletariat Blues”.
spot on sir, spot on, and i can tell you its spot on because i work at a certain store that rhymes with guest fly, and we certainly wanna hear/ offer that service plan
id feel bad, but we get things at cost plus 5 percent, so i dont