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Buy the book
The Cheater's Guide to Baseball
"Derek Zumsteg should be ashamed to have such comprehensive knowledge of the history of cheating in baseball. Pete Rose gave me two to one odds this book would become a classic." -- Allen Barra, author of The Last Coach: A Life of Paul "Bear" Bryant
Reimagining The Mariners
I’m stealing Jeff Sullivan’s gimmick here, but he’ll forgive me, I’m sure.
If the Mariners were a second-hand store…
Customer Enters
Dave: Hey Bill - nice to see you again.
Bill: Call me William, son.
Dave: Uhh, err, right, sorry. Mind if I look around?
William: Why don’t I give you the tour instead - okay? Okay.
Dave: Do I have a choice?
William: Let’s start off over here with my pride and joy - my first chemistry set.
Dave: It looks broken.
William: Nonsense. Pat made this thing years ago, but some jerk stole it from him and made all kinds of great stuff with it. Right before he gave me the store, he bought it back from the guy. I haven’t figured out how to do all the stuff it used to do, but just having it around makes me feel like a winner, you know?
Dave: You’ve got some cracked…
William: I prefer the term weathered.
Dave: Whatever. You’ve got, uhh, weathered test tubes in a prime display case.
William: I think they make everything in the store better.
Dave: How?
William: You’re here, aren’t you? Were you here when I didn’t have them? Okay then. Let’s move on.
Dave: Gladly.
William: Over here is my new favorite toy - an awesome IPod.
Dave scrolls through the list of songs.
Dave: It looks like this thing still has someone else’s music on it.
William: I know! That’s the best part. It’s got every hit single you could think of. The Macarena, Mambo #5, Life is a Highway, all of em!
Dave: These songs suck. Why would you load up an IPod with nothing but old singles?
William: It’s an IPod, and these songs got all kinds of radio play. What’s not to like?
Dave: Seems like a waste of a perfectly good technology to me.
William: Hater.
Dave: Hey, is that a crown?
William: Yea, but it’s not all its cracked up to be.
Dave: What? It looks amazing.
William: It was great for a few days, but then it broke. The jewels kept falling out, so I stopped wearing it for a while. I wear it sometimes now, but this thing has some bad juju. It always slips off when I’m trying to impress the girl at the fruit stand outside.
Dave: Have you considered that maybe your head isn’t perfectly shaped for a crown?
William: I’m sorry, but I don’t listen to critiques from locals.
Dave: Uhh, okay. What else you got?
William: Ooh, you’ll like this. This guy from Atlanta sold me this awesome 2005 calendar. Said it helped him remember to do all kinds of things.
Dave: But it’s 2007. That calendar hasn’t been useful in two years. And it looks like it’s been marked on. What did you give him for this?
William: Oh, nothing much. Just my guard dog.
Dave: You gave up your dog for a two year old calendar? That dog was awesome!
William: It’s okay. I felt like he was losing his bark, and I got this cute little puppy to replace him.
Dave: The one that’s peeing on your carpet right now?
William: HEY! STOP THAT!
Dave: How old is it? Three months? What did you expect?
William: He was scaring all the other puppies, so I thought he’d get mean in a hurry.
Dave: That’s logical…
William: So you don’t want the calendar? I know it looks like crap now, but I’ve heard it will look great once you get it home. Only $100.
Dave: I can buy a 2007 calendar, brand new, for $3.99. What were you thinking?
William: The Atlanta guy said it was great for him, and he’s one of the best antique store owners around.
Dave: Probably because he trades used calendars for guard dogs.
William: Hmmm. I hadn’t thought of that.
Dave: You have any good stuff around here?
William: Oh yea. Let me show you the most expensive thing in the store. It’s huge.
Dave: Well, I’m not really looking for something enormous. I just want something that works.
William: Here it is - the worlds biggest umbrella!
Dave: William - there’s a hole in it.
William: It’s okay - I use it all the time. It’s very impressive.
Dave: Don’t you get wet?
William: Well, yea, but can you imagine how awesome this thing would be if without the hole? You could fit 25 people under here!
Dave: But it does have a hole. How do you plan on fixing it?
William: I figure it will either fix itself, or the chemistry set over there will make it all better.
Dave: Really? That’s the plan? Wait for it to repair itself or hope that the magic chemistry set causes the umbrella to grow a new piece of cloth?
William: Do you have a better idea?
Dave: You could, I don’t know, use that smaller umbrella over there. Doesn’t look like there’s any holes in that one.
William: That one’s no good. Tried it last year, couldn’t figure out how to make it work, and it has already been discarded by several others.
Dave: But it doesn’t have a hole, right? Isn’t it worth giving it another shot?
William: You’re too young to understand.
Dave: Okay, you know William, I like you, and I love your store, but you have to have something around here that’s not useless.
UPS guy arrives
UPS guy: Hey William - here’s your shipment of Wiis. Where do you want em?
William: Stick ‘em in the back room. I don’t have any room for them out here.
Dave: Wait! You’re putting a shipment of brand new Wiis in the back because your store is already full of crap? Do you know how fast these things will sell? Move stuff around! I’ll even help you. Here, give me a hand with the chemistry set.
William: No, I can’t. I’ve never sold a Wii before. I don’t know how it will work. What if it doesn’t live up to the hype?
Dave: You realize everyone in the world wants one of these, and every store who has them is putting them in a huge display, right? It’s a lock.
William: Nothing is a lock. I bet big on the pet rock when you were still in diapers, and I got burned. I’ll never forget the lesson from that debacle. When you get older, you’ll realize there’s more to it than just selling the hot new thing.
Dave: I… really? You won’t put the Wii out front because of the pet rock?
William: You gotta respect history. Dad always told me to never get away from the things we do best.
Dave: Didn’t your dad sell black and white TVs?
William: Better than anyone.
Dave: And you don’t think anything has changed since then?
William: Selling will never change. It’s a simple thing. You’ve never owned a store, so you just don’t know.
Dave: Okay, William. I can’t argue with that. Can I see that, uhh, weathered chemistry set again?
Comments
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I love the huge umbrella! I supposed ‘William’ could just hope it never rains?
It really does feel this way sometimes.
I think we should try to get this to be the next Mariners commercial for FSN.
Who says sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?
Humor born of frustration at a team that is chosing to be second best rather than try out an idea that, um, might not work.
Oh William! Oh Dave! Only Special Agent Bob and Secret Agent Steve could possibly be a cooler duo.
And it happens exactly the same in way too many companies, governments, schools, etc. I’m actually interested in what is happening with Presti and the Sonics because Presti is 30 years old and thinks with a fresh/aggressive/thoughtful approach. Until the old school gets younger or (at least) thinks younger, we’d destined to be mired in this.
Oh man that’s great. What’s better is the bandwagon/moronic fans who’ll read it and be confused. Classic.
For the rest of the season, I’m going to be thinking of Raul Ibañez as a, uhh, weathered chemistry set as the shipment of AAA sluggers gets sent to the back room.
If Adam Jones is a Wii, you’ve got to remember that last time you tried to sell Wii’s no one wanted to buy them. There have been some new popular games, but they’re in Japanese and Russian and who knows if that’ll sell to Americans.
And that Pet Rocks are your only selling product right now.
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I mean, Dave, you’re getting alot of criticism because the guys you’ve hated on are performing well while the guys you support are not. The answer is not to be more stubborn.
9 Which guy that he hated on is performing well?
Every time I look up Raffy Soriano’s numbers for the Braves I puke in my mouth a little bit.
How much for the ipod, anyway?
It’s not the quantity of criticism that matters, it’s the quality.
Wait, Raul Ibanez is doing well?
Is that “well” in “new math”?
And if you think Vidro’s gonna hit .500 the rest of the way (without any power still), I’ve got a nice bridge in Brooklyn I’m looking to sell…
And that Horacio Ramirez - what a start yesterday… woo!
My core for the future: Vidro, Sexson, HoRam, Batista, Weaver, Ibanez, Reitzma, Bloomquist… The rest? Well, get rid of them ASAP….
To give credit where credit is due, Vidro’s hot streak convinced me that at least right now he’s a better option at DH than Ibanez. And he’s actually showing a little doubles power.
But yeah, when your best hitter is currently Jose Vidro your offense isn’t going to score a lot of runs.
Jose Vidro best hitter what?
Best hitter in the past week for the Mariners. Which isn’t saying a hell lot.
Vidro has looked solid at the plate since the ASB. He’s one of only a few hitters on our team that knows how to take a pitch.
This post makes me want to cry.
Jeebus, are some of you people really that excited over 2 weeks of “hitting” by Jose Vidro? Over a couple of doubles? Do you have a form of brain damage that only allows you to remember 2 weeks into the past?
I’m no hitting coach, but Ibanez seems to be trying to pull everything, resulting in rolling over the top and weak grounders to 2B.
Isn’t this something that is expected of a slumping young hitter? Experienced guys should be able to adjust fairly quickly if they are making this mistake.
Anyone else seeing the same thing?
Raul and Richie look like they might both have lost crucial batspeed in the same season.
And yet, why didn’t the Mariners pitch up Julio Franco? He’s so clutch and provides veteran leadership.
I’m wondering if Kyle Lohse is somewhere on the backshelf of this store….
I can see it now:
“Well, the offense really needs help, I guess we should call up Jone- Wait a minute, Franco’s available?!?!?!”
I’m as excited over Vidro’s 2 week “surge” as I am over Ramirez’ last “good” pitching game.
I’m getting really disappointed by them leaving Raul in LF, when it seems he’s constantly struggling from either back injuries or hamstring problems. At his best he isn’t good, and with the constant ailments he’s even worse. Combine that with his struggles at the plate? Not a good thing.
I have this fear though, that they are going to leave Jones in Tacoma till it’s too late for him to make a real difference, and then when they do bring him up to only play him sporadically like Ellison.
It just feels like Bavasi sort of lucked into the team having played decently the first half; and now doesn’t really know how to get them over the hump to sustain it, much less make a push for the post season by improving the team.
Speaking of bat speed, but on the other end of the spectrum:
Beltre sure is taking some healthy, confident cuts. His bat speed seems to be getting better somehow. Confidence returning from the thumb injury maybe?
The way things are going, I think either an injury or a prolonged losing streak will be required to call up Adam Jones. But a little platooning at 1B might be worth a try.
22 People aren’t suffering brain damage, they’re seeing that almost every hitter for the M’s is sucking recently whereas Vidro is not sucking so much during this same time span. We’re especially noticing that Ibanez is sucking worse than Vidro.
23 Except Ibanez isn’t young. He’s 35.
25: seriously? We need a sarcasm warning on posts like those…
4 — I’d hardly call this sarcasm. I believe the term you’re looking for is “satire,” which is the most elevated form of humor …
Thanks Dave, I really enjoyed that post. Your work makes being a fan even more enjoyable than usual.
My prediction: Adam Jones will get called up Sat., Aug. 18, the day after Ra_l’s bobblehead night.
At which point we’ll be at least 6 out of the division lead. But god bless those bobbleheads! The fans love ‘em!
31 — Exactly my point. If one of the young hitters, say Jose Lopez, were struggling with this then it wouldn’t be as frustrating.
I wonder if Adam Jones has a wii.
Oh, by the way William, that puppy you’re training to be a guard dog? The breeder sold him to you as a hunting dog. Looks like he’d make a good one too, but it takes a lot of training, and he won’t get it wandering around the store here. Besides, you’ve already got three pretty good guard dogs out back. There’s that tall, thin one - he’s better than you think. And the funny-shaped bloodhound has the left side of the store covered. Then there’s that big, nasty one waiting if anyone get’s past the other two, plus you’ve got another one coming back from the vet today. You don’t need another guard dog. But you’re hunting dogs, man, sad story. The one you took out yesterday led you into quicksand (again). Remember?
On a semi-related note, a quick perusal of the comments section on Geoff Baker’s blog pretty much vindicates USSM’s “no-rosterbation” policy. The trade proposals over there are, ah, well, they sound like they’re made by people who play in fantasy leagues where all the other owners are drunkards.
FWIW, the Ms say that if game 1 is still playing when KSTW is scheduled to come on air at 5, they will show the end of that game, then go to pre-game for game 2.
holymoley. that’s some fine thinking there.
25: seriously? We need a sarcasm warning on posts like those…
Anyone who’s been around this site for as long as there’s been comments knows to assume there’s some level of sarcasm in there.
(Personally, I would have liked them picking up Franco if they weren’t in a pennant race. He’s been playing for almost as long as I’ve been following baseball. Heck, when I first saw him on TV [TBS, HSE, NBC Game of the Week, can't remember which] a sizable percentage of the commenters here weren’t even born or out of diapers.)
22 People aren’t suffering brain damage, they’re seeing that almost every hitter for the M’s is sucking recently whereas Vidro is not sucking so much during this same time span. We’re especially noticing that Ibanez is sucking worse than Vidro.
Vidro’s July: .321/.400/.396
Ibanez’ July: .178/.218/.233
Yearrgh. Still, Vidro is slugging .396 as a DH this month, .376 overall? That’s a DH? There are pitchers in the NL that are slugging better than .376. At least, I think there must be. Can’t find sortable hitting stats for pitchers….
Sad thing is, Franco would probably beat Raul in the 100M dash. Heck, we already know he’d hit lefties as well as Ibanez…but then again, who wouldn’t?
Oh, here we go.
Carlos Zambrano: .250/.250/.396 (52 PA)
Kip Wells: .273/.273/.394 (34 PA)
Brad Penny is next on the list with a .368 SLG (46 PA).
Jose Vidro, DH, has a worse slugging percentage than two starting pitchers in the National League. OTOH, Vidro has 3 HRs to Zambrano’s 2, so he has that going for him.
38: Way to run the metaphor into the ground. And for another thing, get “your” and “you’re” figured out. Where you wrote “you’re hunting dogs”, I thought it was some kind of Michael Vick reference.
Yeah, it’s Vidro who is killing us now . . .
Last 28 games: .366/.446/.437
Not these other guys . . .
Sexson: .169/.316/.308
Ibanez: .178/.218/.233
Johjima: .179/.247/.299
46
Good points.
Hey, like EVERYONE else in the free world, I totally get that Vidro should NOT be a DH. But until we solve the other issues in our line up (and boy, do we have issues!) I’m not going to worry about Vidro for a little while.
does Neyer have anything of value in today’s insider entry “M’s success could be short-lived”?
At least with Ibanez there is a player down in Tacoma who can easily replace him. Johjima, Sexson, Betancourt, and Lopez’s offensive suckitude right now (and Sexson the entire season virtually) are problems that are less solvable. We really need to hope that Johjima gets hot again as he was earlier in the season, Lopez remembers that XBHs are good, and Sexson shows some signs of life at some point this season.
Couldn’t we play Burke a LITTLE more? I know he’s not a regular starter by any means, but it sure seems like we over use Jojima.
Since the Braves are my second-favorite team, I always like a nice shout-out to the awesomeness that is John Schuerholz.
I’m almost happy Schuerholz took advantage of Bavasi’s stupidity like he did. Almost.
And #4, I have to agree with 33 re: satire. Potty humor is the lowest form of “wit.” Sarcasm is a bit below satire, only because satire skewers society as a whole and sarcasm usually picks and chooses. Dave’s one-act is riding the fence between the two but Oscar Wilde would still approve.
Did anyone else read the question from the idiot fan (from South Bend, Indiana no less) who asked Street whether Jones would play center or right once the M’s called him up? As though left field didn’t even exist….
I don’t see how benching Richie and playing Ben Broussard at first doesn’t make the team better.
No matter how hard Kenji, Yuni and J-Lo suck at the moment, at least they continue to play important defensive positions.
48- A little recap…
They are lucky because of their run differential, have a 30% chance and the playoffs, Vidro is slugging .376 and Adam Jones is still in Tacoma. He points out how the Marlins brought up some guy who never played left field and they ended up winning the WS that year, think he said his name was Miguel Cabrera. He isn’t saying the M’s will win the series but they aren’t good enough to do nothing.
The guy from South Bend may not be an idiot, just uninformed. Very few people - myself included - realise independently that left field is much more demanding defensively at Safeco.
They just assume that it’s the best place to hide your defensively limited slugging outfielder.
I don’t worry about our C, 2B or SS. I think Johjima will bounce back considerably, especially if he gets the amount of rest that J-Mac says he’s going to give him. Lopez and Betancourt are what they are. It’s nice when they hit, but they’re not our real problem.
54- It is also just a fact that Ibanez is a much worse player then Guillen and Ichiro right now and hurts us more then anyone in CF or RF.
Given:
1. Their faith in conventional wisdom,
2. Their belief in ‘chemistry’,
3. Their skepticism of young players,
4. Their desire to run out a lineup of fan favorites, and,
5. Their general reluctance to rock the boat,
I’d expect the M’s management to keep running both Raul and Richie out there every day at least until they’ve reeeled off a 4-12 stretch and dropped behind the Yankees in the wild card chase.
Is anyone else just sick and tired of watching Johjima try to pull everything? I’m concerned that with more rest he will get around on everything even faster and start pulling balls almost directly behind him.
58- Johjima always pulls the ball, he was never a opposite field guy really.
wandering afield, mlb.com is currently running a Harold Reynolds interview with a very relaxed & comfortable Griffey; I assume it will be up online later
bhsmarine (British Home Stores? http://www.bhs.co.uk )
I just assumed that the writer of that question assumed that they’d bring up Jones at the expense of Ibanez rather than Guillen (or heaven forfend, Ichiro). It seems so obvious…
Nope, not British Home Stores.
I have run out of reasons to defend them for not bringing up Adam Jones yet. I thought this double header would be the time for sure, what better time then in Texas against awful pitching? If they are waiting till September it will be far to late and just ridiculous.
48. Neyer also mentioned that the M’s have used only 13 non-pitchers all year. Reminds me of last year, “woohoo same rotation….oh wait it sucks?”
56 or anyone- can I see some numbers that show how Guillen is appreciably better defensively than Ibanez. They are both terrible IMO.
Dave, I’m impressed. Excellent work and placement of subtext!
48 - “Actually, I’m underplaying their chances. According to BP’s Playoff Odds Report (at least this version of it), the M’s have a 30-percent chance of getting into the playoffs. I have some trouble believing that number, though. And it’s very difficult for me to understand how they can continue to play Jose Vidro and his .376 slugging percentage every day while Adam Jones and his awesome numbers are languishing in the Pacific Coast League.”
Baker entertained himself yesterday by throwing out a theory on when Jones comes up …
58 - Yes I am. On the rare occasions he does hit the ball to right field he is actually just pulling the ball 270 degrees. I know that is how he has success but I’m sick of 6-4-3 double plays on a pitch 6 inches outside.
Please someone tell me that HoRam’s predictable performance last night does not mean we will lose 2 of our top 5 prospects for the privilege of paying Matt Morris.
Oh, okay. So the basis for Vidro being the team’s “best hitter” is two weeks of him slugging .437 from the DH position.
I was afraid I’d missed something.
57: if that happens, I will slaughter a mighty elk in between second and third base at Safeco field, consume its heart, and spew its bloody entrails about the field in a fit of mescaline-induced rage.
Or, maybe I’ll just laugh at how pathetic the FO is. Probably the latter.
So, it appears the M’s are going to clutter the 2008 roster with:
Sexson
Guillen
Ibanez
Vidro
to stick in front of
Jones
Wlad
Broussard
Clement
Awesome.
So, which Horacio Ramirez clone does Wlad get traded for come the offseason.
Very nice write-up Dave. The sad thing is that I used to work at a small video store and the owner of the store made decisions just like “William” did in your story. Needless to say, despite lots of demand for games, movies, and cds in our town he is about to go bankrupt. Kinda makes you think…
Hey……weren’t we promised a rosterbation thread?
Hey……weren’t we promised a rosterbation thread?
I’ve been eagerly waiting for Dave’s midseason move post. I can’t wait!!
73/74: I’ve been waiting for that myself.
I seem to recall that the last time Dave invited rosterbation he said that would be it for the year.
I seem to recall that the last time Dave invited rosterbation he said that would be it for the year.
That’s true, but he also said he would have a “if Dave were GM before the trade deadline” post up shortly.
It’s a good think Ichiro isn’t as enlightened as the USSM commentariat, or he never would have signed on for another five years.
A good thing, that is.
so, we’re not in the running for texiera….how surprising. oh, maybe not considering we have a stellar 1B as it is.
For anyone that’s interested in rosterbation, http://www.rosterbation.com is available!
http://insider.espn.go.com/espn/blog/index?name=neyer_rob
Rob Neyer had something to say about us. It’s not anything we haven’t covered before, but I thought it was a decent read.
Texiera is going to cost someone a small fortune in prospects, if he is traded. We have Broussard propping up the bench. It would cost the Mariners precisely nothing to upgrade their production from first base.
64 - I’m inclined to agree. Guillen looks every bit as horrible defensively as Ibanez does. He’s hitting better though.
sigh. Groz thinks the M’s offense is fixed because of the runs scored in Texas.
i’m not happy when our upgrade at 1B is at best an average mlb player. and i’m not tickled pink about the long-term prospects of having him platoon w/ a 15 million dollar per year player for the next 1.5 years considering he is, at best, mediocre on the defensive end.
Superbly witty. Dave has a bright future ahead as a stand-up comedian if he so wishes - with a shtick like this he could revitalize the defunct comedy duo. Just needs to find the perfect comedy partner.
What really scares me is the prospect of the store trading away the WII for something like a cell phone they used in the eighties…you know the ones I’m talking about,huge and usually carried in a brief case. That is what scares me.
Vidro played a couple of times at first and did alright. He is better suited their than a hovering barely over the Mendoza line Sexon. I really thought Mac would see the light. I think he does not want to stir the pot, being the new Cheff in the kitchen?