Why baseball should be more like pro wrestling
Saturday June 14th
“…and with that grand slam home run, the Washington Nationals are up 8-0 here with no outs in the top of the first, and you can hear the boo birds roosting at Safeco.”
“No question, Dave, those are not seagulls by any means.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard the crowd this angry. And who can blame them? It’s a beautiful day for what has turned into an ugly, ugly game.”
“Washburn has not had the command of his breaking pitches tonight, and that’s forced him to come over the plate with his fastball…”
“And we have all seen what happens then. Jarrod kicking at the rubber on the mound, but friends, I don’t think that is going — there’s some kind of disturbance in the M’s dugout, I’m not–”
“Is that Silva?”
“Carlos Silva’s come out from the clubhouse tunnel, holding a, a hot dog in each hand, his mouth, he looks like a chipmunk, and now he’s running across the field–”
“He looks scared, Dave.”
“Indeed he does, he looks flat out terrified. What could scare Silva away from the clubhouse spread?”
“Who’s–”
“Oh my word, fans, this is a historic moment, walking onto the field now is Mr. Hiroshi Yamauchi, the man who for all intents and purposes owns the Mariners!”
“That is a great-looking suit, no question about it.”
“One of the richest men in the world, I believe he is or at one time was the richest man in all of Japan. And would you believe that even though he has owned the Mariners in one way or another for sixteen years, he has never been to Safeco Field to see his team play, though he is a huge baseball fan?”
“No doubt about it, you can see that he looks great for an 81-year old man.”
“Indeed he does, Mike, but how did he get here? He doesn’t travel much at all, as I understand it.”
“I’m not sure, but NWA does have a non-stop, it would have arrived here some time this morning, I remember from my time in Japan when I had to connect…”
“I can’t believe that he would fly all this way to see Jarrod Washburn start, if I may be honest.”
“No Dave, that does seem a little puzzling, you’re right.”
“When did he get here? Why didn’t word get out that he was at the park? Who is that with him?”
“I’m not sure either, but right now I’m wondering why he would carrying a folding chair?”
“I’m told that that’s Mr. Yamauchi’s son in law, Minoru Arakawa! The first president of Nintendo of America!”
“He’s on the Mariners board, isn’t he?”
“Johjima is out from behind the plate, mask off, he looks a little pale, he’s waving his arms and saying something as he tries to get out there.”
“Ichiro is sprinting in from the outfield… he’s shouting something, hard to tell what he’s saying from here…”
“Mr. Yamauchi now taking the chair, does he want to sit and talk to– Washburn is down! Washburn has — and again, right over the back, Washburn is down.”
“And you’ll notice the police aren’t moving at all.”
“The crowd is stunned, the M’s dugout emptying on the field, and now Johjima! Johjima has begun stomping Washburn, who is lying on the grass not moving–”
“Well you have to take advantage of your opponent in a situation like this–”
“McLaren appears to be pleading with Mr. Yamauchi here.”
“Mac trying to be the voice of reason–”
“Arakawa from behind! McLaren staggers and — this is insanity! Mr. Yamauchi now — Vidro is down! Sexson now charging from the dugout with a bat–”
“Richie having an off year swinging, they’ve been working with him on his stance–”
“Misses wildly, and gets a chair to the face for his efforts! This is carnage!”
“And you can hear the crowd is really behind his efforts.”
“Umpires signaling the game is forfeit. I wonder though, and I think the crowd here would agree, wasn’t it already lost? The Nationals are running off the field now –”
“Joe’s Tracker showing that chair shot got Sexson right in the forehead, which explains the massive bleeding –”
“And now team president Howard Lincoln comes out of the tunnel, and oh, oh no–”
“Oh, he realizes what’s happened now.”
“Mr. Yamauchi staring at him across this field littered with victims, teammates fighting, and you can see the color draining right out of him.”
“There’s no question, he’s a lot more green than we usually see him.”
“Mr. Yamauchi just staring, staring, and Lincoln now runs back for the tunnel! But the ballboys with the clothesline! Oh my god I have never seen anything like this in all my years.”
“This reminds me of spring training with the Yankees in 1990, when Steinbrenner got into the medical supply cabinet–”
“I’m sorry — what? Now? You can’t — Folks, that’s it from Safeco Field where the Mariners lose a forfeit loss, but there may be hope as it appears that de facto owner Yamauchi has traveled all the way to Seattle to take out his frustrations on the team, and we’ll have more right after this.”
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Something tells me Bedard won’t be signing an extension after this…
<golf clap> Brilliant.
Brilliant post, no question about it.
it’s a Pier 6 brawl!!!!!!
On context, the best line written on this blog all year, no question about it.
The only thing missing was a Wii, but maybe Yamauchi didn’t want to taint the Wii with associations with the Mariners. Because, you know, the Wii is awesome, unlike the word “thusly.” “Thusly” is the Miguel Cairo of the English language, doing nothing that “thus” doesn’t do, but somehow doing it worse, worth using only for comedic effect.
I nominate “thusly” for the official word of the 2008 Seattle Mariners.
yup, that did it.
the “Joe’s Tracker” line made me injure myself trying to not spray my morning hot cocoa.
I’m day-to-day.
thanks.
my oh my!!! i just spit milk on my computer screen from laughing. hilarious post, love it!
Now that made up dialog, my friends, takes a lot to put together.
Needs more ninjas!
I can’t believe you put this up. Hilarious, but I didn’t mean carnage in that way.
I could actually see Kenji stomping Washburn in my mind…thank you for the laugh this morning…well done…well done…
A slobberknocker of a post, a real Johnnybrook.
Could have used the pyro, the them music, the half naked women, etc., but it was a great piece to read in the morning…and don’t forget next time to have the “cat fights”…mmmmmmmm…cat fights…
Bakomariner, ooh yeah, get the ball girls fighting. “You field fouls worse than Richie!”
Anyone seen Semi-Pro with Will Farrell? Just imagine the announcers from that hilarious film while reading the dialog. Anyone whose seen the movie will concur.
This post is completely unrealistic.
No way does Joe’s Tracker accurately show where Sexson got hit.
I’d rather see the FSN ladies have a Safeco Showdown! Especially the new hot one…mmmmmmm…
I love how voice-of-Sims stays in the play-by-play while voice-of-Blowers continues to offer up ample but irrelevant analysis.
I’m bookmarking this under “tomfoolery”.
YeeeeeeeHaaaaaw!!!! Good stuff!! Love this blog!
The sad part is that the outcomes in pro wrestling are less predetermined than an M’s game lately.
“What’cha gonna do, brother, when the 34 inch pythons of Hiroshi Yamauchi run wild…ON YOUUUUUU!”
[off-topic, but there's a thread about it here]
Anyway one of the announcers can be called Dick Pepperfield? It would take away the pain.
Draft Day!!!!!
I can’t wait for the team to break into factions as wrestling “locker rooms” always do…you’ll have the “Luchadores” (all the hispanics/latins) Ichiro and Kenji comprising the “hated” Japenese contingent and the “N.W.U.” (all the Now Washed Up white guys)…there are a few guys running around on their own like Clement, if he gets called back up, and Reed…maybe they’ll form a tag-team, the AAA Protection Service…the Bullpen will be their own gang of course…Burke and Bedard will be the New Killers Bees…man I could go on and on…
If you smelllllllllllllllllllllllllll what the TUBRO… IS…. COOKING.
Where’s Jason Ellison when you need him?
[Jim Ross:] “OH MY GOD! is that…? is that…? That’s Edgar Martinez’s music!!!”
[Edgar:] “It’s a light bat!”
““Joe’s Tracker showing that chair shot got Sexson right in the forehead, which explains the massive bleeding –””
That’s sheer brilliance man. I just spit coffee all over my keyboard!
I would so buy season tickets for something like this.
The only thing missing is paragraph indents, or CRs. Bit hard to read, but I loved it, especially the pacing, from pompous mundaneness to shouted OMGs.
Brilliant.
Also, abender20 @25: Don’t know if you meant to type “TUBRO” instead of “TURBO,” but I like it.
I’m now totally pissed off because I know nothing even remotely as exciting as this will ever happen at the Safe this year and probably next!
It could have used: “Kenji is climbing the backstop net and signaling to Mr. Yamauchi to hold Wash until he can get into position to lauch from about 30 feet up!” and “Ichiro has grabbed a bat and is demonstrating great leadership to Cairo on how a true professional can use a bat to the head to make a point!”
Rather than the actual carnage, could they just make an announcement that over the course of a homestand, Willie will replace someone with one out in the fifth inning of every game. The player he replaces would be promptly cut. Now that would be must-watch TV just for the anticipation.
it’s the channeling of Blowers that does it for me.
“No doubt about it, you can see that he looks great for an 81-year old man.”
Do you think the Mariners would consider “Folding Chair Night” to help motivate the players?
35- Best. Idea. Ever.
Ahahahah the Blowers lines are fabulous!
Bavasi quote from yesterday, via Larry Stone this morning:
“This is a problem that includes the general manager and his office, the manager and his staff, and the players to a great degree,” he said, adding wryly: “Right now, the medical guys are doing a great job, and the clubhouse guys are tremendous.”
you, know, Rob Nodine looks like he could pull off a pile-driver.
The Blowers lines are, in fact, great…there’s no doubt about it…
Can you imagine what the booth would be like with his monotone crap and Rex “The Worst Homer Loving Commentator EEEEEEEVER” Hudler in there together?
That would be a good match…
At least Bavasi “The Merciless” is taking some of the credit for this bullshit that is going on…
one of the benefits of Baker traveling early is that we get Stone covering the hooplah
hmm. wonder who would come out on top in an all-in rasslin’ match up in the press box?
I’ve read alot of things in my day, but that…was…awesome!!!
Tora! Tora! Tora!
the “Joe’s Tracker” was perfect.
At least the M’s would be entertaining then.
(hmm at least the post game interviews are becoming entertaining too)
Just so that I’m clear here:
Did this happen during 10 cent beer night, by chance?
Would it be wrong of me to pray for this to happen?
Domo, Derek.
Which would be better, blasting over the PA system:
a). “Godzilla”
b). “Nobody But Me” (Kill Bill vol. 1, “House of Blue Leaves” massacre)?
Could you imagine the hilarity of this team, if Vince McMahon purchased it?
The promotions, 7th inning stretch craziness, wrestlers participating like they did with the XFL. Ha. At least if the team sucked, there would be plenty of distractions and things to make fun of instead of the players.
I won’t lie. I paid $400 for a second row seat to WrestleMania XIX at Safeco Field. I got to keep my chair, though!
Seriously f-ing brilliant.
“Richie having an off year swinging, they’ve been working with him on his stance–”
Thank you, Derek. My day just stopped sucking.
Great stuff….as usual!
[ot]
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It would probably be more funny for me if I didn’t have a Japanese baseball perspective.
The only way Yamauchi would change things I think is if the team starts losing money. The NPB system is so broken with teams just marketing their corporate brand (for those that saw “The Zen of Bobby V”, they’ll know what I mean). A Japanese baseball team making money is a rare find – which is why teams covet the posting fee for players.
I don’t know if Yamauchi and co. in Japan are seeing the debacle that is the Mariners, but can someone please send the message to him that the team is worse than the Yokohama Baystars? They’re the laughingstock of the NPB and perhaps if he got that message, he’d realize that change is needed.
Love the Blowers’ lines, but I got my own psychic satisfaction from watching Washburn get the crap beat out of him by Kenji.
Catharsis is great. Thanks.
“Vidro’s also grabbing a bat and running towards Yamauchi trying to make peace.”
“Well Jose’s a professional hitter, Dave, no question about it, so he should be able to take advantage of the old man here.”
“Jose’s still running towards the mound…Aaaand he’s about a third of the way there…still going…Mr. Yamauchi sees him and is dropping into what I can only describe as a crane stance from the movie the Karate Kid…”
“No question about it Dave, that’s the Karate Kid stance all the way.”
“Jose’s about halfway to the mound now and clearly flagging…Mr. Yamauchi is running towards towards him and … MY OH MY, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?? DOWN GOES VIDRO! DOWN GOES VIDRO! DOWN GOES VIDRO! I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW! DOWN GOES VIDRO!”
This is about the funniest thing I’ve read in a while, supported by appropriately snarky comments. Thanks.
Derek, that is so damn’d funny I’m at a loss for words…
Except for this: I hope that DMZ blog post is going into the All Time Best archives.
I lost it at Lincoln getting clotheslined by the batboy.
My own version of this fantasy involves the crowd throwing Wii, DS and Gamecubes onto the field.
It’s “Joe’s Tracer,” people!
Thanks, after a crappy day (and week and year for that matter) at work, this hilarious article is just what I needed to feel better.
Given the recent basebrawls like the Red Sox vs. Tampa Rays fight, you could say that baseball is becoming more like pro wrestling. Even Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youklis were fighting each other in the Sox dugout for some reason.
Maybe if the M’s were involved with more brawls, like the Rays, they would improve. They just need to start a needless rivalry with the best team in their division, fight them twice a year, and within a couple years they will be in first, just like the Rays. Ya, it could work. By the DMZ, SonicsCentral gave you some props on this post, one of the best of the year.
Almost fell off my chair laughing at this one, Derek…too freaking hilarious!
I wonder if we could invite Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano back for a steel cage rematch as well?!