The Silva Burger
From this fine comment:
Rick Griffin: “Hey Carlos, you don’t look so good. Is it your elbow?”
Silva: “I saw a fan eating a hamburger. *gets animated* I didn’t know we HAD those here. ”
Griffin: “You know you just gave up a 3 run homer to Kelly Shoppach right?”
Silva: “… I mean, you could probably put the garlic fries right inside the bun with the meat!”
The Silva Burger
Ingredients:
- one hamburger patty, large or extremely large, must not be “lean” or “extra lean” ground beef
- your choice of condiments and hamburger toppings
- hamburger bun
- one order of garlic fries
Prep:
1. Grill the burger to preferred state. If you’re impatient for the deliciousness of the Silva Burger, very rare takes the least amount of time, and you’ll be fine. Tapeworms = no-effort weight loss anyway.
2. Put grilled patty on bun bottom
3. Dump garlic fries onto patty
4. Stack with condiments and lettuce, etc
5. Finish with bun top
Additional success scenarios:
1a. Use layer of bacon to protect bun bottom from patty.
3a. Use layer of bacon between patty, fries
4a. Additional layer of bacon
Serves one given sufficient starting patty size. Should be consumed before starts, followed by getting shelled and pulled for either ineffectiveness, stomach pains, or emitting clouds of noxious gasses.
Comments
USSM uses and recommends
I used to put fries on my burgers every now and again. It was fairly tasty but definitely unhealthy. Still tasty though….
This is definitely the hungriest I have ever felt after reading a post here. May have to make a stop at Kidd Valley this week and give this a try!
As long as we are discussing unhealthy food… if you ever find yourself at Rutgers, get a Fat Darrell. Nothing like the grease trucks…
The Lo-Cal Silva Burger:
1. Skip #1 and #2.
2. Dump garlic fries onto bun bottom.
4. Stack with condiments, cheese and lettuce, etc.
5. Finish with bun top.
You don’t even miss the meat. You’d be surprised how good it tastes.
(when I was a kid, we used to make meatless sandwiches like that: Get 3 slices of Wonderbread — spread mayo on one slice, layer a piece of lettuce, spread mustard on the second slice, put it on top of the lettuce, spread ketchup on the other side of that 2nd slice, layer with a slice of cheese, another piece of lettuce, then spread mayo and a little relish on that last piece of bread. There you have it, the “olden days” version of the Big Mac, only without meat)
I’m just wondering, would it be possible to simply make the bun out of garlic fries and than add more garlic fries as a condiment to the burger? That would simply be Jackal heaven. Oh and maybe throw some deep fried onions on it.
Wait change that a bun made of 2 krispy kremes. I’m pretty sure that’s out there already. The Jackal would like that. The Jackal would like that a lot.
I didn’t think this thread was going to actually be about burgers or healthy eating…
If some team in desperate need of pitching phones the M’s about Silva…I just pray they do the right thing…
Oh well…I’ll take a Silva burger with a side order of Spezio please…
Riggleman’s postgame comments, re: Silva. ‘He’s in good shape. He’s a great athlete.’
Silva Burgers for all!
You should submit this recipe for the Silva Burger to the Mariners’ concessions department.
It sounds like a tasty addition to all the foods that the Mariners already sell at Safeco.
First, the Ichi-roll, now the Silva Burger!
Mariner Baseball: Where the post game radio is as bad as the baseball team. On the radio they said we should feel fortunate Morrow is in the bullpen because if we were in a playoff hunt we’d want him there. Wow.
Does anybody know if Batista is refusing to go to the DL? It’s a no brainer that he shouldve been moved off the roster today instead of RRS. Kind of like a Cirillo and Weaver DL stint to get his act together.
With Silva, Betancourt, and Johjima locked up for the next 3 years things look bleak.
Two all-beef patties…special sauce…lettuce…cheese…pickles…onions…on a sesame-seed bun…
Oh, wait.
Gah, where’s Steven Raichlen when you need him?
That sounds delicious. I am seriously salivating now…
And here I thought I was a rebel for stuffing chips between the bun and patty and smashing ‘em down!
Richie Sexson’s Mom’s Special Tuna Casserole is gone, and we get the Silva Burger as a replacement. Is that good or bad?
Fries on burger is a classic Dick’s maneuver.
I don’t know why all this talk about Silva Burgers has just started now. Silva’s been dead meat all year!
“Rim shot!”
Thank you, thank you folks! I’ll be here all week!
Then again, these are the same Rhodes Scholars who said yesterday that the reason the Mariners don’t have more Saturday matinee games is because “the sun is too high in the afternoon, which makes the ball difficult to catch.”
Uh, yeah guys, thanks. Wonder what the hell they did for the almost hundred years or so they were playing the game before they started playing mostly night games.
What is the hamburger patty made of anyway? Might I suggest a pound and a half of premium, all natural Ryan-Rowland Smith? I mean really, who here actually believes the Mariners would send him down? Silva’s probably already has gotten his hands on RRS.
On a less sarcastic note, I always found that putting barbeque chips on a burger along with all your other basic stuff, like tomatoes or pickles, was very appetizing.
“We are lucky to have Morrow in the bullpen because if we were in a playoff hunt we would want him there”
Wow. That makes so little sense it almost makes sense.
I feel so sorry for poor Shannon Drayer that she’s stuck with the rest of those schmucks on that post-game show.
It could be worse for Shannon. She could be stuck with those boneheads on ESPN.
YAY EDIT BUTTON!!!
I lost it here.
Yes — for a sumo wrestler, that is!
white bread & bologna sandwich, with mustard & Lays potato chips inside.
inside the hamburger bun, on top of the fries.
oh, wait, wait!
the Fassero Family wrapped chicken recipe!
1 chicken breast, 1 slice ham, 1 slice pressed beef, roll up, wrap with bacon, toothpick together, place in baking pan, cover with sour cream & cream of mushroom soup.
If I did my math right, the team ERA without Silva and Batista is 3.76! That 3.76 includes Erik O’s 21 ERA. Silva and Batista are really hurting this team.
you gotta love the Sunday Times’ Backtalk section:
Fans failed Sexson, not vice versa
The coaches and so-called fans failed Richie Sexson, not vice versa. What purpose does it serve to boo a player and subject him to constant criticism? It simply creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you think a $14 million paycheck makes him any less human than you or me? How would you perform if someone came to your job and booed you? How would you feel about yourself?
— Jamie Rauwerdink, Sheboygan, Wisc.
Happy for Richie
So Richie Sexson is gone. I’m glad — for him, that is. Richie deserves better than the pathetic Mariners.
— Tony Snortland, Suquamish
That Fassero wrapped chicken recipe sounds like one of those 9-zillion calorie “experimental” dishes Chris Kimball & company come up with on America’s Test Kitchen.
The whole ripping on Vidro and Silva for being fat thing is getting kinda lame.
They suck because they don’t have above average major league talent – not because they’re fat.
I don’t hear anyone one complaining about C.C. or Prince in Milwaukee. If they’re producing then it doesn’t really matter how fit they are.
Granted – guys like Colon might have it affect their performance, but not Jose and Carlos.
Rip on them for being bad – but not for being overweight.
I thought this blog was above petty crap like that… I don’t see how it’s any more relevant than team chemistry and yet still it’s being brought up all the time.
Sure. Take the grease from cooking the burger (or the bacon, your choice) and soak the fries in it to get them a little soggy. Then mash the fries loosely together into bun shapes. Coat them with panko bread crumbs, and deep fry until light brown. Drain, assemble, and enjoy!
Or, for the Monte Silva, assemble the burger as specified in Derek’s original instruction. Beat two eggs together with two shots of rum, 1/2 cup water, 2/3 cup flour, and 2 tsp baking powder until creamy. Use three large toothpicks to hold the assembly together while you dip it to coat in the batter. Transfer to deep fryer and fry until golder brown.
Batista’s not fat and he’s the worst player on the team.
Jason, It truely is amazing how debatable that statement really is.
PS. It’s not the part on who the fattest person on the team is
Cairo’s fairly svelte, yet he can’t hit his way out of a wet paper bag usually, either.
Yeah, I’m not saying by any means they’re the only ones who get called out here, but merely that ripping on them for being fat too is kinda besides the point.
It just seems petty and childish.
Hey, I drove one of those when I was in high school!
#26
Humor me. How are you so sure that weight issues/physical fitness have had NO impact on Vidro and Silva, but might have played a role in Colon’s performance???
You are taking this far, far too seriously.
If this post doesn’t meet with your lofty expectations of this site, that’s fine; the rest of us will have a little harmless fun at the expense of a guy whose waistline continues to expand at an only slightly smaller rate than his ERA.
Or something out of an Eisenhower-era Betty Crocker cookbook.
You asked for it.
Indeed, I’d be willing to bet that Silva’s back problems are related to his lack of conditioning. The lower back has to absorb extra strain from Silva’s weight during the pitching motion. Remember, David Wells had a lot of back issues as well.
On the note of fattening foods, the next time your in Atlanta, GA – check out Mulligan’s Bar in Decatur. The Luther Burger and The Hamdog are two of the most disgusting creations on the face of the planet.
However, I am sure Silva would have no problem polishing off a either as a tasty appetizer.
Primanti’s adds on slaw & tomato…
RE: 33
Colon has gained tons of weight and it’s put him on the DL several times. He’s been very good and was brought down by his weight gain.
Vidro and Silva? Both have been okay at best and haven’t suffered a significant loss in performance from their weight (which truly hasn’t changed that much for either since becoming a Mariner).
That’s the difference.
and RE: Jeff
Sorry I had lofty expectations for your site – I’d just always assumed things like stats and performance mattered more than what a guy ate for lunch.
Maybe an article like this would be more appropriate for your vision of USSM in the future:
Turn Ahead the Clock Night
Who here has ever tried potato salad on a burger?
Anyone?
It’s a unique taste, and some people won’t like it, but if you give it a chance it’s actually quite good.
oh, that was yesterday ….
msb…
touche
40- Stats and performance are more impotant than what a guy eats for lunch. Some threads on this site are for serious discussion about the team and others are much more casual and are used for other stuff. (Like this thread and the whole SP Lager thing, also the daily game threads) You just have to judge which are which.
we had a baked dip the other night that we all thought would go nicely on a burger–
sauteed mushrooms, onion, mayo, bacon & cheddar cheese…
Man, I want a hamburger right now in the worst way. And you’ve got to love some M’s fans for their irrational attachment to lousy 1st basemen. I remember someone in the Sunday Talkback writing in accusing the Mariners of “crucifying” Pete O’Brien when the team promoted Tino Martinez from AAA Calgary way back in the day.
If we aren’t allowed to have the occasional non-serious thread, how in the world are we going to get through the remainder of this season?
umm..Jagerbombs?
*grin*
Yeah – I hear you about the non-serious stuff. I actually loved the article on ESPN about the future uniforms. The quotes about Griffey were priceless
So… anyone else just watch Justin Timberlake do his thing for the ESPY’s ?
It was awesome! Watch it if you get a chance – it’s hilarious!
Boomer’s pub at Jantzen Beach in Portland has a brisket sandwich on grilled buttery french bread with cole slaw and fries on the sandwich. Recommend.
I suspect that Silva has become half again the pitcher that Lee is.
That burger sucks unless you put a fried egg on it.
I heard Silva won’t miss a start-Is that good news or bad?
I grew up watching one of the all-time great fat pitchers, in Portland’s own Mickey Lolich. The Mick used his weight for a purpose, which was to sling fastballs past hitters. Plus, he was the anti-Bedard, an innings behemoth (check out his 1971 line, with 376 IP and 29 CG, it looks like something out of the 1910’s). One cool thing about his is that he did everything in life righthanded except pitch, which meant that he could put all his energy into pitching (and with potential energy like he had, that was a lot).
But excess weight is a tradeoff for a pitcher, making him less agile and a worse fielder, and putting strain on knees and ankles and hips.
With Silva, I don’t see that he gets any benefit out of it. Certainly, that ain’t Mickey Lolich’s (or Colon’s or Sabathia’s) fastball crossing the plate.
54: And of course, The Mick also opened his own doughnut shop in Lake Orion, MI after he retired from the game — though I’m not sure if that’s still around these days or not.
My favorite recipe from Jeff Nye’s excellent link in 36 is here. So pure. So true.
Agreed…that link is totally hilarious!
Though I’m still trying to figure out what exactly the nutritional value would be for Head Cheese Jell-O Souffle — or whatever that dreadful-looking concoction is.
James Lileks rocks.
I actually drove up to Lolich’s donut shop one time when I was in Detroit. I was more interested in talking to him than ordering a bag of donuts… I didn’t think he was overweight much at all, just a little roundness to his tummy and no other really gross extraneous poundage (he was wearing a snug-fitting knit polo shirt at the time).
He and I chatted about baseball and his life after baseball for about 15 minutes, and he posed underneath the sign out front for a picture. Dang! Why didn’t I buy a couple of donuts and make a donut sandwich???
——————
RE: #24 msb’s report of Sunday Times’ Backtalk section:
Evidently Sexson has the same mindset as these two deluded fans who think it’s the M’s fault, the M’s fans’ fault.
On another message board a Yankee fan rather smugly told me,
Yeah, interesting, all right. I guess Richie is practicing selective memory loss now that he’s wearing the sainted pinstripes…he’s forgotten that HE’S a major cause why the M’s are 20 games out of 1st place.
Of course signing him in the first place is only one of at least a dozen stupid moves the M’s have made in the past 3 years.
————————
Sigh… I’m old enough to remember seeing actual copies of that cookbook (saving grace: I was too young to actually PREPARE anything from the cookbook though, and that’s probably why I’m still alive today).
Mmmm. Garlic fries on a burger…why didn’t I think of that! I put fries, potato chips, and have tried potato salad (41) and they’re all good. And as an aside, I think that enough super solid stats-based material is on this blog to allow for humor, beer reviews, food asides, and whatever else they come up with. Just make sure you hit the contribution button so that we can keep this site ticking over!
Red Robin’s Whiskey River BBQ Burger with the onion straws on it is pretty dang good. It’s definitely one of my fave restaurant burgers. But usually I just grab In-N-Out every couple weeks or so. Back in good old Post Falls, ID there’s a little grubby place called “Rob’s Seafood & Burgers” (AND Discount Cigarettes)…I never had the nerve to try their seafood, but their burgers dripped of grease and deliciousness.
P.S. I just edited this post and it rocked my face off.
Speaking of tacky little places, there used to be a local chain back where I grew up in Michigan called “Mr. Hot Dog”. It was similar in a way to Dick’s, but with a somewhat expanded menu…and the key to “dining” there was always to know what to order (i.e. hot dogs, grilled cheese, fish & chips — which were always good) and what not to order (burgers and chicken — which were always nasty and far more edible elsewhere).
P.S.: BTW, I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I love this edit feature as well…thanks!
So long as the burgers are seasoned with bacon salt, that sounds about right. I mean, sure, you’ve left room for bacon, but you can never have enough bacon.
Now swap out the buns for Krispy Kreme donuts, and it gets both Silva’s AND Vidro’s stamp of approval…
I can handle a pitcher being fat if they can still get the job done, but a batter needs to run the bases. Vidro would suck less if he could run the bases and he could run the bases better if he lost weight. These guys are professional athletes, after all.
Or, at least hit the ball consistently. Toward the end of their careers, both Dave Parker and Tony Gwynn had grown considerably more portly…yet they still brought something to the table in that each could still hit pretty well (unlike Vidro).
Imagine if the man had stayed at the MERE 305 lbs or so he started out at? I have little doubt we’d be saying, “Wilt and Bill who?” by now.
Making fun of fat professional athletes that suck is fine. They make enough money to to hire personal chefs, trainers etc to do the groundwork….they just have to care enough to go with it.
This inspires me………..
The Willie Burger:
Single slice of bread preferably some ubernatural whole grain bread because it has the most grit.
Single meat patty. Origin of meat unimportant when you’re seriously gritty.
1 slice Kraft Singles
Single tomato slice
Single lettuce leaf
Single serving packets of ketchup, mustard and mayo. One each.
Single pickle slice
Single onion ring
Stack in preceding order on bread and serve with small glass of whine.