What’s the worst Mariner gift?
After reading this fine Bill Simmons column I started to search for M’s items. And then I thought “it’s okay to take that idea and run with it, isn’t it?” Last year I would have said “16-game ticket pack” quickly escalating to “season tickets” but clearly that’s changing.
The stuff I found in my first couple of minutes:
Greg Hibbard autographed baseball, $24
Jose Vidro autographed bat $40 despite being presumably unscuffed by contact with balls
Richie Sexson autographed baseball $111
The $60 Mariner Door Mat (“good 75% of the time”)
What I really wanted, though, were the kind of things Simmons was writing about: a Slocumb game jersey, a Raul Ibanez glove. A Kevin Mitchell injection-used cortisone dose bottle. A Carlos Silva fondue set. What’s out there I should look forward to receiving as a gag gift from particularly cruel relatives?
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does it come with a measuring tape?
Someone was also advertising a Pokey Reese Mariners card, but the Mariners pictured were actually Felix and Travis Blackley. So no sale.
a signed copy of “The Making of a Hitter”?
hmm.
baseball instruction from Ryan Radmanovich? Mike Marchiano? Mark Machalec?
Clint Zavaras & Mark Holzemer? Joe Oliver & Kevin Jarvis? or Rich Amaral?
How about a sideline-worn knee brace autographed by Robert Swift?
Or a sideline chair autographed by John Brisker?
How about the best Mariner gift?
I’m thinking that this development in the department of statistical analysis is looking like a pretty good bet. Zdurenciek sure has the giving spirit this time of year.
How about a hitting lesson from the guy who taught Jeff Cirillo? Only $30 per lesson.
How about a copy of Bill Bennett’s “Book of Virtues” complete with Carl Everett’s autograph?
That’s a double whammy.
The previously-mentioned Josias Manzanillo (unused) protective cup.
A Clint Nageotte game-worn cap (ewww).
A Mario Mendoza measuring tape (199 inches long!).
Willie Bloomquist brand sandpaper (It’s the Grittiest!).
Lenny Randle breath mints.
A signed copy of Miguel Batista’s novel the Avenger of Blood?
what can we get [expletive] Dave Samson?
I am thinking a Bobby Ayala gas cap would be cool. It has to be out there somewhere and in mint condition as it was never used. That would have been the best promo night ever. Come on down to the ballpark tonight and get your genuine Bobby Ayala gas cap! So get here early and watch Bobby poor gas all over the field and torch the place.
I’m disappointed with myself for not thinking of this sooner, but what about the 1992 Kid Sensation Album “The Power of Rhyme” on which Ken Griffey Jr. is featured as a guest rapper on track #8, The Way I Swing?
How about a copy of the signed contract for Greg Hibbard one of the top 3 worst free agent signings in Mariner History!
What do you consider to be the other two? So many choices, so little room.
Hibbard, at least, was involuntarily useful, as I recall. After the ALDS Game 5 in 1995 depleted the pitching staff, the M’s activated Hibbard then put him on the 60-day DL, which in turn gave them a chance to add Bob Wolcott to the 40-man and activate him to pitch Game One of the ALCS, which was one of the high points of the team’s entire history.
Oh oh! Find a long-suffering Mariners fan. Then go back in time to 2005 and give them primo season tickets for that year.
A Willie Bloomquist Memorial Pony?
Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball SNES. Probably the best baseball video game.
The Sasaki Suitcase!
(or brass knuckles, depending on which story you believe)
Adam Jones Inland Empire Game Used Jersey
$699.99
CLINT NAGEOTTE SWEATSHIRT! Not only depressing,but probably hygienically unsafe.
The Frankie Rodriguez “How To Win A Fistfight In Thirty Seconds” Video!
and its sequel, “How To Needlessly Prolong A Fistfightâ€
Ichiro Sodâ„¢ – not yet on the market and price undetermined…
Last season I was sitting in that corner seat in the front row of section 112 in right field (where the stands meet the foul line). Ichiro made a sliding catch on a line drive right in front of us and popped up to catch the runner at first for a double play. When he made the sliding catch he displaced a tiny bit of dirt (about the size of two sugar cubes) with grass attached that ended up on the warning track in foul territory just a few feet from our seats. I asked the security guy to retrieve it for me between innings and took it home.
It’s been growing in a pot in my backyard since this summer and is doing fine (it’s in the garage right now due to the cold weather). I took a first set of cuttings for friends who keep blades of it as good luck charms…
Once it starts filling out I hope to sell portions of “Ichiro Sod™†to fans of the great outfielder.
I have a Ken Cloude autographed baseball around somewhere. I remember thinking it was a pretty awful gift even when I got it back in ’97.
Even as a Bobby Ayala fan (I know, I know), this is absurd:
[long link]
$42?!?!?!?!?! Marked down?!?!
I’m surprised you can’t find a Carl Everett Encyclopedia of Dinoaurs personally.
link’s gone…was a photo of bobby in his expos uni. They wanted $46 bucks ebfore mark down! ha!
Or maybe a CD with “Ayala Song“.
Check out the lyrics…
Ayala Song
(Parody of Delilah by Tom Jones)
I still remember the night when his hand broke that window
I miss that wandering strike zone that he cannot find
He was our closer
Now when he pitches I watch and go out of my mind
Why, why, why, Ayala?
My, oh my, Ayala!
It’s plain to see that he cannot throw strike three
His fast ball’s a big fat tomato that lands in the seats
Late in the game when they go to the pen folks start leaving
I cross my fingers although we’re still leading by four
Oh, no! It’s Ayala!
Lou puts that ball in his hand and runs start to score
Why, why, why, Ayala?
Why, Lou, why, Ayala?
Please, before he throws another ball four
Forgive me, Piniella, I can’t watch Ayala no more
Forgive me, Piniella, I can’t watch Ayala no more
God Bob Rivers is funny.