Hey! Where’s Carlos?
As Seattle endures another day of horrible weather we can’t dig ourselves out of, we shouldn’t lose sight of how this is a perfect example of what a selfish player Carlos Silva. He throws what, two good innings all year in a lost season and when the city could really use some clutch help, where is he? He’s probably holed up in some condo downtown, throwing bundles of hundred dollar bills into the fire to get the temperature up from 66 to 67, having fresh groceries flown in by helicopter (who are we kidding — he’s probably having trailers of Hot Pockets delivered, where a clubhouse assistant microwaves them in series so he’ll always have a warm one within arm’s reach, and as each gets just a little too cool it’s thrown off the balcony to the street where a gathered crowd of homeless people fight for their warmth and dangerous caloric value).
I’m not even saying that he needs to buy a snowplow and drive it around town helping out, though he certainly could afford to with all the money he made between pitching horribly and slagging his teammates. He could hire someone to drive it for him.
He doesn’t need to shovel snow off the sidewalks — don’t want him wrenching that back out again, inhibiting his non-existent effectiveness or something. Or for that matter, coning off closed streets. You could put a safety vest on him, use his presence to wave people away from the hills or something.
Now you might be saying “Derek, how can you reasonably expect Carlos Silva, who according to his ‘PLAYER FILE’ was born in Bolivar, Venezuela where the average low temperature never drops under 70 in a month, be expected to help pitch in here?”
And I would say “We’re hoping he’ll be an effective pitcher and good teammate next year, and he doesn’t have an experience with that, either.”
I’m sure right now hometown hero Willie “Clam-Clam” Bloomquist is out there icing streets down by hand with salt he buys out of his own pocket from markets as he goes, even though he’s a free agent and unlikely to return. Ichiro’s helping keep our morale up by filming inexplicable heart-warming Japanese game show episodes. Betancourt’s working on his defense by leading children’s clinics in snowball fighting, helping him get practice reps in throwing. Russ Branyan’s frantically trying to keep the walks clean around Safeco Field but not making much progress because the shovel only makes contact one out of every four digs or so… even Washburn’s helping the mayor’s office out with advice on how to blame this horror show of mismanagement on other people’s communication skills.
No Silva, though. But there’s always the chance the holiday spirit might still find him and the joy and charity in his heart will spur him to retire and free the M’s from his contract!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY (dooo dooo doooo, do do do doooo-doooo, do do doooo, do do do-do…)
Hahaha. Merry Christmas.
I think we need an update on the Papua New Guinea beer. Any good? Saving it for New Years?
Shiina Ringo, btw, is absolutely awesome, and a maker of inexplicable videos herself.
heck, even a zamboni would help out …
you forgot to mention Washburn’s other chore, hiding behind portable deer blinds, keeping the ravening hordes of wild beasts from devouring hapless Northwesterners who are being forced to walk everywhere.
Hahaha loved the Russ Branyan reference.
if I knew where to get aquavit, I’d become one of those morose, drinking Norwegians.
I was talking to a client in Kodiak. He and his wife had a little Irish Cream in their coffee with a wood fire going and the kids still in bed.
DMZ had the same thing with out the kids the fire or the coffee. : )
one could while away the hours by reading Jim Caple’s nice, long piece about Big Lo and Seattle’s depressing year …
I’ve been drinking only coffee all morning, and black at that.
I guess asking Dickey to help out before he leaves for Minnesota is too much to ask?
well, I’m off to the grocery store. anyone need anything?
This is probably my favorite USSM post ever.
Seattle Channel is playing a 1980 Stan Boreson Christmas special with clips from the Clubhouse… now I really need some aquavit.
Hmm, I always pictured Silva being tucked away on his private island sipping on Piña Coladas, laughing at the news of the weather reports up here while he counts his money.
Whoa. A Shiina Ringo reference. I like, but where the heck did you hear about her? ã³ã£ãã‚Šã—ãŸ!
Caple’s piece was great…the comments section was predictably infantile though. Who knew our teams suck and/or leave town because “we” are a bunch of whiny, crying liberals? There sure are a lot of philosophical luminaries in the desert Southeast I would have loved to hear from at the end of ’07, as they apparently could have warned me of what was in store for our ’08 sports year.
They invited Big Lo down to the first Thunder game, which was news to me. I would love to vomit eggnog into Clay Bennett’s face tonight.
Oh, I’d like to do something else to Clay Bennett’s face…
Merry Christmas everyone!! *drinks German punch for you all*
Post is distilled genius. Merry Christmas everybody.
Carlos should try spending some time in the cold. His body will burn fat to stay warm. So basically, he can slim down a bit without trying.
yeah …. huh?
I actually picture Carlos in a dark room somewhere, deciding which teammates he hates and wants to go after for no good reason next year. The dark room I’m picturing may or may not be the storage room at an Old Country Buffet…
Hey msb, I’m pretty sure the Copper Gate in Ballard has Aquavit.
Maybe you could take Silva with you, fish and fermented shark are low-carb.
bet they have it at the Leif Erikson Lodge, too.
I’d pay money to see Silva eat lutefisk.
Yeah, Jim Caple wrote a great article (and is one of the few ESPN writers that actually pays attention to Seattle sports), but good Lord do the comments over there kill brain cells.
(Merry Christmas to my fellow USSMers.)
I never read ESPN columns, but I thank you for pointing out the Caple article. It was a cathartic experience to read, perfect for the season.
of course! we gotta ask Corcoran. He’d know where to get a snow plow or two.
Merry christmas, guys. Safe driving to all of you.
Oh, and nobody has the right to whine about not having a white christmas around here for at least ten years after this last week…